Letter to myself (Countryside Blues)

Lately I haven’t felt like myself. I find myself in a place that I don’t want to be in. I try my best to live a normal life, a more gracious and 'grateful to be alive' life. But I can’t help but feel angry and betrayed by life. Life has become a wicked game, where I must choose whether to play or not each day. And most of the time I feel exhausted and can’t be assed to play.

But inside me still there exists a magnetic force, a need that pulls me out of bed and tells me to get out and do something. What that is I am unsure of at the moment.

I want to create. I wish I was as passionate and motivated to try to do. I literally feel as though this countryside has been a blessing to be closer to my family, it has also made me feel further away. My ordinary life was thrown into a lifestyle that I don’t feel comfortable in. Like I had a designed pathway and it has been taken away from me.

I feel as long as I live here, the longer I become lazier and less motivated to do stuff. I’m in a constant state of limbo. Where do I go from here? It’s no easy decision to make. And I tell myself I need to relax and just let go, but the longer I do that, I become a little more lazy and I feel like a zombie.

But anyway, I do feel satisfied surprisingly, I do like certain aspects of my life. I just don’t feel like myself. Like my inner being is trapped in a reality of unfamiliarity.

Not to mention my sex life. It doesn’t exist. Everybody is either in the closet or very far away.